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Imagine carrying a baby for 30 weeks then one evening, labor pains come and even though it seems too early you (or your wife) packs the baby’s clothes and head to the hospital. The doctor checks you out and realizes there is no fetal movement – trying not to raise an alarm he orders an ultra sound. The look from the lady doing the ultra sound is not reassuring either – you know something is wrong…the doctor calls in your partner and together he breaks the news to you that the baby is not going to come out alive. That was an experience my wife and I went through early this year.
This though is not a less common problem, Wanjiru Kihusa – the founder of Still A Mum lost a pregnancy herself. The experience she went through made her reach out to people who are suffering in silence. In our case she reached out to us too, and talking to her gave my wife some comfort. This though is not about me or my wife – this is about the 4.2 million women who suffer miscarriages every year in Africa yet nobody talks about this monster. Apart from the loss of the baby and the painful medical procedures , these women have to live with stigma and the feeling of being less humans. Today is the World Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day – we are basically breaking the silence on miscarriages. Having talked to a lot of women suffering in silence, Wanjiru Kishusa tells us how we can be of help to those suffering around us in silence.
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More than ready – Still a Mum from Chatterbox Stories on Vimeo.
Before you can help someone dealing with miscarriage and child loss, you need to understand grief. Death is devastating #StillAMum — Still A Mum (@StillAMumKE) October 15, 2015
Grief is more complicated that we imagine. To help someone who has lost a child, don’t rush them. #StillAMum pic.twitter.com/pALhtOK750 — Still A Mum (@StillAMumKE) October 15, 2015
Grief is the price we pay for love. From the moment she knows she’s pregnant, mum and baby begin to bond #StillAMumpic.twitter.com/Nv13vwokPN — Still A Mum (@StillAMumKE) October 15, 2015
So how can you help someone who has lost a baby? The Next series of tweets will be very important:
How can you help someone who’s lost a baby? 1. Know the facts. Don’t spread rumors and myths. #StillAMum — Still A Mum (@StillAMumKE) October 15, 2015
If you do not know anything about miscarriages or what could have caused it, this is a good time to shut up. An author Known as Will Rodgers once said “never miss an opportunity to shut up.” This is one of the moments that following his advice will actually be a very smart move.
How can you help someone who’s lost a baby? 2. Stop asking couples why they don’t have kids yet. You don’t know their story. #StillAMum — Still A Mum (@StillAMumKE) October 15, 2015
“How come you people have been together for three years but you don’t have kids, what are you waiting for?” You don’t know why couples do not have kids or what they would do to have kids. Not all people who don’t have kids are so because of choice. Not everyone will tell you their miscarriage story, so it helps minding your own business or just shutting up if you don’t have better questions to ask.
How can you help someone who’s lost a baby? 3. Don’t belittle their grief.That baby was a real person.Their grief is legitimate #StillAMum — Still A Mum (@StillAMumKE) October 15, 2015
Imagine going through all the motions of pregnancy, hearing the baby’s hear beat…the kicks. Isn’t that a real person? The planning as couples wait for the baby’s arrival. Buying clothes and pampers, ensuring they have the correct medical insurance plan, deciding baby names then the baby comes out dead and for some reason you think they do not deserve to grieve because the baby was not real?
How can you help someone who’s lost a baby? 4a. Don’t suggest that it was in any way their fault. #StillAMum — Still A Mum (@StillAMumKE) October 15, 2015
How can you help someone who’s lost a baby? 4b. Stop asking if she overworked or saying she should have seen a different doctor #StillAMum
— Still A Mum (@StillAMumKE) October 15, 2015
How can you help someone who’s lost a baby? 5. Visit them. Be there for them. Show compassion. Listen, offer a hug. #StillAMum — Still A Mum (@StillAMumKE) October 15, 2015
How can you help someone who’s lost a baby? 6. Visit and help around. They’ve probably just come from hospital, they can’t host #StillAMum
— Still A Mum (@StillAMumKE) October 15, 2015
Do not play guest…help with whatever you can. She is probably both mentally and physically exhausted.
How can you help someone who’s lost a baby? 7. Let them grieve and cry without judgement. #StillAMumpic.twitter.com/Caa38dyq1U — Still A Mum (@StillAMumKE) October 15, 2015
Something you also need to do around someone who has lost a baby or a pregnancy is watch what you say. If you are not going to shut up there are things you just cannot say.
What NOT to say to someone who’s lost a baby? 1. I know how you feel. Unless you have been there, you DON’T know how they feel #StillAMum — Still A Mum (@StillAMumKE) October 15, 2015
Even if you have been there, every pregnancy is different…the hopes I had for my baby is different from those you had for your baby. You cannot know another person’s pain.
What NOT to say to someone who’s lost a baby? 2. It was God’s will/ happened for a reason. Now is a terrible time to say that. #StillAMum — Still A Mum (@StillAMumKE) October 15, 2015
Which God will want to put somebody through pain?
What NOT to say to someone who’s lost a baby 3. You’ll get (you already have) other kids. Look here, they are grieving THIS one. #StillAMum
— Still A Mum (@StillAMumKE) October 15, 2015
What NOT to say to someone who’s lost a baby 6.You’d have been a single mother and that would have been worse. Really?!! #StillAMum — Still A Mum (@StillAMumKE) October 15, 2015
So how much time does one need to get over the loss of a baby?
Don’t expect them to “get over it” quickly. Losing a child is devastating. #StillAMum
— Still A Mum (@StillAMumKE) October 15, 2015
How common are miscarriages, you might ask:
1 in every 4 women suffer a miscarriage. These are not just statistics, they are real people. #StillAMumpic.twitter.com/suUFieCzmB
— Still A Mum (@StillAMumKE) October 15, 2015
So next time someone has a miscarriage you will know how to do.
Tweets courtesy of @WanjiruKihusa and @StillAMum on twitter.
Follow me on twitter @IamOminde
