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There are only two sporting events that excite me – Motor sport (KCB Safari Rally to be precise) and Sevens rugby. When they are coming home my adrenaline levels shoot up like am high on Chinedu products. Rugby is coming DALA and for those of you in the diaspora I want to give you a few info that will come in handy!!
Okay I am not going to bore you with history on Dala Se7ens and who has been pooled where which I am really supposed to do but then again this is not a newspaper – it’s an infortainment blog so I leave the details of background info and pooling to the likes of Allan Obiero and Wyclif Odera coz they are the mainstream journalists – mimi I don’t care about that sh*t!!
Okay and I want us to agree that we are not going there to watch rugby!! Those who watch rugby wangojee kwa nyumba they watch news usiku waone highlights or maybe if someone is creative enough aweke youtube. The rest of us guys go to meet women and women come to meet guys…and drink alcohol and flaunt their rides and clad. You can also come to show off your boyfriend or girlfriend or wife.
You can come to dump your boyfriend and hook up with his best friend you know. After all Kisumu relationships are like relay races (mbiyo za kupokezana vijiti) you do your best the pass on to your crew member. In other words the guy screwing your ex girlfriend or ex wife is always somebody close…somebody you know and vice versa is also very true.
Okay first things first
I know a lot of you will be travelling to Kisumu from the diaspora – here I use the term diaspora very loosely. Watu wa Nairobi (including Rongai), Mombasani, Nakuru, Eldoret – kama sijataja your town know that it’s not important, opinion polls will refer to you as “others!”
Make sure you pay your rent, electricity bills, water bill, dstv and you have booked a return ticket hata kama you are travelling by Nyamira Express. We don’t want embarrassment ya kuombwa fare Monday asubuhi or watu wa Nairobi still roaming Kisumu streets on Wednesday next week. Kama hauna pesa usikuje “Sin City!!” This time round we are not making your lack of planning our emergency – uwinjo? Don’t say I din’t warn you.
Kisumu Lingo
Kisumu has its unique and peculiar lingo…make sure you understand the basics. Do not loosely use words like “Donge, Burukenge, Maka ch**tha,ginene and gik makamago” without knowing what they mean otherwise you might just earn yourself a reflex reaction that come in the form of hot slaps!
You should aslo be familiar with terms like “charan, aseol, movie” and gikmakamago!!
For example charan is not a sewing machine – it refers to a mpango wa kando and the rest of that ish mean some other things. That means when in Sin City don’t take things literally!!
The joints
Know your way around KC … it is very important unless you want to be beaten up like a ginene – burukenge!!
Here chicken, cows, goats (we don’t have donkeys) are food not sexual partners. We pride in our beautiful women and marry as many as we can – four is an understatement!! Dogs are pets … we keep them in our homes for ornamental purposes. From fluffy poodles to the ferocious rottweilers!!
If you are interested in extra-curriculum activities i.e sexercises before or after the matches you need to know where RAM XB is!! You will be served at a small fee!!
If you are interested in party spots look for Latitude Lounge Kisumu – that is where the before and after party is going down!! If you are gay look for Stanbradoxx City, your brothers will be waiting for your ass there – pun very much intended!!
If you need drinks at wholesale prices find your way to Stanbradoxx (around the bus stage) or Diri enterprises in Kilimani shopping center (Milimani).
If you want a boat ride get your ass to Dunga beach!!
Those of you who like to start at the locals I recommend Hideout (located at Winmart) and Brown’s (Dunga beach) as some fine joints. Sample Cafe’ Ole and Bootleggers too if you are into tourism!! If you like partying with Kids then Signature is your joint. If you are an Asian dickhead then you need to find your bearing to Fireside and if you love fires the Club Whistles will do it for you. I am not the spicy kinda guy but if you are a little Cinnamon can won’t hurt!!
Dress to impress
Kisumu people are known to be the Kings and Queens of swag!! Nguo za promo, camera za Kibuye and anything that looks like something original should be left at the gate…donge?
Kama ulirauka Kibuye ama Gikomba on Sunday tunakujua please leave that outfit for going to church and funerals!! Dress code is Mr. Price and gik makamago.
Kama uko na Polo shirt yenye 3 is written on your left shoulder hiyo ibaki kwa nyumba!! Simbaland boots will be confiscated! Ladies…George Kimani bags na shades za Dorice and Caplana (instead of Giorgio Armani and D & G) muone mahali mnaziacha. ( Okay most of my readers if not all did not notice something wrong with my spelling of Giorgio Armani – I did it intentionally to see who knows the real stuff)
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| Ladies this is for you!! |
You still have three days and payday is this week kama hujalipwa…spend that money wisely. Like I said before, come next week your lack of planning won’t be our emergency.
Be on your best behavior
Okay let us just say that kama unalipwa salo na M-Pesa usikuje…this event is not for people like you, siyo madharau but just stick to your M-Pesa lane. Watu waheshimiane.
Be on your best behavior – nishasema. Nitamulika watu on Monday with impunity. Photos and video so ukipatikana umekaa mbaya shauri yako.
Kukunywa chang’aa nyamsaria halafu unakuja kupigia watu wanakunywa Jameson kelele is a treasonable offense!! You will be detained without trial (prefferably in Kapenguria) – inaitwa crown!!
Probox hazitapata parking – huku hakuna miraa zinauzwa.
Please show respect to your seniors … ukiona mtu yuko na Range Rover Sport, Mercedes CLS 500 (again people din’t notice that hakuna Mercedes CLR500. Actually a CLR 500 is a BMW – I should take guys on Swag 101) , BMW X series and gik makamago na umepark Toyota Corolla mahali tafadhali usiambiwe uache parking – jifanye ulikuwa unatoka.
Finaly this is Kisumu not Siaya or Homabay…only Kisumu swag will be excused. Ukileta ubundus yako hapa shauri yako. Haya salimieni my good friends from Migori County aka Migori Boys Association – I know you, your swag is so welcome 🙂
Shout out to Dr. Abdi, Dave Ngiri Odira, Geoff Yogo, Omwami and Joe Hope #RechRevolution will not be televised.
Another shout out to Shady Stig for reping us in Masaku7s … TeamMercedes is going strong I see lakini ongea na Tigana atuambie anaishi Nairobi, Juba ama Kisumu?
Dj Sway na Innocent Getereia am sure hamjamaliza profits zetu zenye Bob Colymore aliwapatia in the form of bonuses…I need my share!! Na mkuje na MissPoetixx…Dj Baynay OC naye needs prayers – Mungu amsamehe.
Big shout out to Marsha Aida (@_Miss_Aida on twitter) for NIH Kisumu. The first time ever Networking in Heels in happening outside Nairobi. The event will be hosted on 10th August at Imperial Hotel Kisumu.
Ladies you need to attend this and see how you can propel yourself to the next level in your career, business or school. Learn from the best siyo tu kukaa kwa counter ya Barcadia ukingoja kununuliwa Jameson ama JW Black na hata hujui bei yake. For more info on NIH visit www.amazingkisumu.co.ke .
Vybz Awards is here with us, Linnet Ogutu has been nominated for best MC Vybz Awards so lets makes sure she brings home the crown, to vote for her SMS SAHARA BMC1 to 22448. If you don’t know who Linnet Ogutu is it’s not my problem, sms only cost 5 bob so just vote utajua baadaye.
More to come!!
Follow me on twitter @IamOminde and follow the hash tag #Dala7s for more info on wats cutting!!
Yours truly,
Daniel Ominde and Concerned Residents of Kisumu
